Crazy by KC and Jojo[audio http://aznkyoshiro.free.fr/Music/Kci%20ft%20Jojo/13%20k-ci%20and%20jojo%20-%20crazy.mp3]
Crave by Marc Dorsey[audio http://a.tumblr.com/tumblr_l2irlqmkee1qzjsv1o1.mp3]
Come Around by Rhett Miller[audio http://music.goodmorningandgoodnight.com/songs/03%20Come%20Around.mp3]
I’m feeling particularly nostalgic today, it must be the month, yes it has something to do with the month. There’s two months in particular that I am not excited about, February and my birth month. My birth month because it means I’m aging and February because it means I’ll be witnessing all that sweetness, only witness it and not participate. I sound so bitter.
When was that again, that time when I was all excited about the “lurve” month? I think that’s over 12 years ago, 12 long years ago. After that every “lurve” month turned out to be just another month, another month like the 11 others, non significant. I guess I still feel the sting of my tragic first love that’s why every “lurve” month, it’s like a ghost that haunts me. I’m so sentimental.
It might sound that I didn’t get myself involved with someone else after that first time, I did, but somehow, the significance of that first time was never erased. I know it’s my fault because it became a measuring stick or something, which is not good but happening. I guess it is going to be hard to give myself fully, I’m such a coward when it comes to this kind of things. I am like this moth that flew near the attractive candle light then got its wing burned slightly then got away. Of course the moth won’t go near that light anymore, it learned its lesson, that’s me, I still hold that pieces of memory.
It’s funny because I’m holding on to this pieces of memory, no matter how bittersweet it is, no matter how hurt I get though it doesn’t mean that I’m not looking forward to what is to happen. I know one of these days, someday, that person would come, I’ll muster that courage to open up and give myself fully but for now I’ll welcome this nostalgic moment and drown in songs we use to listen to, songs that has been a part of that dream that eventually turned into a nightmare and hopefully, by the time I completely wake up and accept that it’s all part of life I won’t be so bitter and this nostalgic moments come February would bring me smile, more than tears.
Unrequited love is a term that I’ve always heard being mentioned in K-Dramaland, in fact, I think most of the dramas that I’ve watched have characters mentioning about their unrequited loves but the most profound description that I’ve encountered so far is in Flower Boy Next Door. The way Go Dok-mi (portrayed by Park Shin-hye) described unrequited love is so on the spot, the simile sad yet true, oh so true. Knowing the truth about it though, I can’t help but ask, is there a way to avoid it especially because you’re completely aware that it is not gonna bear fruits anyway, so why not avoid it as it comes, or as you feel it?
I did have an answer, “you wish!” Yes, I’m talking to myself and that’s what the other side of me answered. Feelings as I’ve experienced and studied is not something that you can turn on and off like a switch or a faucet that you can open when you want to use and close when you’re done using it. Loving is involuntary, it’s not something you can control even if it just started from mere admiration.
I’ve had my own share of unrequited love; it happened a long, long time ago, but I can still remember him and my embarrassment when he found out about how I felt. Well, there was no outright rejection or something but let’s just say everything was blown out of proportion and he became a proud dude nearing to the jerk type. Thinking about it now, it’s kinda hilarious and the embarrassment part seems subtler than when it really happened. Ah, the memories, I wonder if he still remembers though, I think he’s my friend in facebook, LOL!
If I learned anything from that time it’s to take courage and never be in that situation again, an outright no is way easier to accept and live with than a futile gazing from afar that goes nowhere and might end into something embarrassing and painful.
As the year ends and as I continue to get comfortable in my own home in the internet, I decided to be sort of systematic. Well it is sort of more because I think I do better or I function well enough if I have a goal or something. Look at how I nailed the 30 day blog challenge in nearly 30 days, that’s something. It would also be an encouragement for me to never give up and take on new things and don’t be overwhelmed just because it’s something I haven’t done before. I would also get to change, improve and polish my writing skills and thought process.
What am I babbling about? Well I came up with things or topics that I would write about on a daily basis, an upgrade of the 30 day blog challenge, a weekly challenge or a guideline of sort, a theme per day, you get the gist. Here’s what I came up with:
~ Monday – I’ll write about a certain song that I listened to or listening to or I listened to and now on repeat in my music player (also known as my iPhone.) That makes Mondays music day or That Tune on a Monday.
~ Tuesday – Since I watch and read way too much, I have way too much quotes that I like and sometimes forget. Thus writing about it doesn’t only make me completely analyze the quote, it makes me remember it easily too, because I can check it out anytime. Thus Tuesdays are about quotes or As I Quote Tuesday.
~ Wednesday – I’ll be posting poems that I wrote or the stories behind a dish that I cooked, whichever comes first and makes Wednesday either Poetry Wednesday or Wednesday’s Kitchen Stories.
~ Thursday – I’ll write about Korean Dramas/Movies that I watched; it’s either some musing, recaps (hoping to be brave enough to take that on,) reviews or some hopefully not so serious fangirling. It’s a day filled with drama, so calling it Dramatic Thursday is more than fitting.
~ Friday – is a rest day, it’s the weekend after all.
~ Saturday – English is not my native language, and as much as possible, I try to learn a new English word everyday (thanks to my Dictionary app it’s a whole lot easier now.) That said every Saturday; I am going to post about my word of the day or That Word This Saturday.
~ Sunday – this day I’ll be posting anything and everything, the choice is endless making Sundays Purely Random Sunday.
It’s very ambitious right? I thought so too but then it’s encouraging, it’s making sure that I write or continue to write. My pronunciation is already in danger; I can’t risk my grammar too.
In closing, with this I hope to develop at least my writing skills, grow with experience as I write one word after the other and remember the feeling, reaction and thought behind each word.
I’ve placed value on quality over quantity pretty early in my life. I never really cared that much if I had more as long as I have what I deserve, well except for coffee, that’s a different story, I can never have enough of coffee and that’s completely irrelevant.
I was touched (I mean completely and unutterably) by this line from Flower Boy Next Door, and the way that it was delivered, I cried with Go Dok-mi (played by Park Shin-hye,) she broke my heart. That’s precisely how I look at friendship now, after a few grave mistakes that I learned a lot from, I realized more than what I already know, that quality is indeed more valuable than quantity.
There was a time that I was trying so hard to have friends, like tried really hard and looking back now, I laugh at myself. Why the effort? Why the extra mile? Thinking about it now, I see how laughable I was for trying so hard to fit in a surrounding that was not ready for a different person like me. Thankfully I woke up before I ruined myself and I accepted the fact that I will always be different and it is absolutely fine.
After that time of struggling to belong, as I grew older and mingled with people, I met those very few people that stayed and became part of my life as my friends, a rare few. Rare because I’ve established that I’m different, the things I like, what I do, what I’m into, let’s say I kind of violate the norm. And I will be forever grateful to those rare few for staying, for understanding and putting up with a nutcase like me. They are enough, in actuality they are more than enough and I am perfectly happy with just those rare few.
Now if you’re willing to put up with the same thing that they are putting up with, you’re welcome and I’ll gladly call you a friend and believe me, I may be a nutcase, but I know how to value people, the same way those rare few values me.
This is one of the lines from the movie that I’ll never forget. And I can definitely relate to how Emma feels that time. I would have done the same, that could be the last day that you’re going to see the guy so take what the day gives, all of it, let’s not leave any room for misery and regret.
More than what I have mentioned it’s a reminder for me to stop dreading so much, focus on the now, on today. Why? Normally I really don’t get things done because I get swallowed whole by anxiety, it’s an inner battle that I don’t have any idea how to overcome and end. I lack the self confidence to finish anything and I doubt myself to the roof that I can do it, in short, I waste a day, my today with series of never ending questions that just brings me down more than cheering me up that leads me not to finish anything; which makes a day highly insignificant, regretful and wasted. If only I could just go with it, live for the moment then I could proudly say that I had today and it was awesome, I could care less about tomorrow. Sadly, I couldn’t muster that yet. Where can one buy some Essence of Confidence? How about a vial of Drought of Self-Doubt? I wish it’s available at a pharmacy nearby, well I’ll never know.
For now I’ve included this line to my mantras, hoping it’s going to help me in times when I’m wasting time over-thinking; a reminder of how precious today and to make sure not to waste it.
“When I went to your house, it always smelled of food and was warm. You knew it was a home. Then I had to come to this room, I hated it and it was colder and lonelier. That’s probably when it all began, when I stopped coming over to your house. -Kwon Ji Hyuk, Shut Up Flower Boy Band”
Living in a house on my own has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. The reason behind it is because I haven’t really experienced what it’s like to live completely alone, I’ve always shared space with someone so the concept is completely appealing and attractive to me. That is until I watched Shut Up Flower Boy Band. Kwon Ji Hyuk’s (played by Sung Joon) comparison of a home shared by a family and a house lived on your own left a deep impression on me. How a family home is warm and a house on your own is cold and lonely. It made me wonder: Do I still want to live in a house on my own?
Well, the way that I’m living now is sort of like the cold and lonely house that Ji Hyuk has even if I’m surrounded with people. It’s the same because even if I eat, interact and share a space with them, that feeling that you are a family is lacking, it’s not a home, there’s no belongingness at all. We each care more about ourselves (or so I feel,) we each have different problems and situation to settle and take care of. As I said, there’s no belongingness, no attachment whatsoever. Thinking about it just made me wonder some more, would it be better if I live in a house on my own?
I don’t usually care about these things, I’m completely passive most of the time that’s why I’m a bit weirded out with my way of thinking at the moment. Maybe it has to do with the time of the year; yes, I think it has something to do with that. Christmas is around the corner again and I’ll be sharing it with people who are not my family which is sad; which only rubs the fact that I really am not home but alone some place else in a house with different people.
I love quotes and quoting people; if I’m in a sarcastic mood I even air quote just to stress how offended I was by a particular sentence or words. I feel this unexplainable joy whenever I quote something, maybe because those are words that really hit home, touched me like no other and made me wonder, in that order. That said, today’s challenge is easy to me who quotes every little touching lines and all, or is it really? I had way too much sources of quotes: books, Korean Dramas, Movies, and friends too; knowing that had me thinking, which quotes to write, I have a thousand to choose from? After much thought I decided I’ll write ten (10) out of the long list of my favorite quotes and it is as follows, in no particular order:
1. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. – Love Story, Erich Segal.
2. Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it. – A Walk to Remember, Nicholas Sparks.
3. After all; I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. – Notting Hill, Anna Scott.
4. If we love someone so much, how will we be able to handle it one day when we are separated? And if being separated is a part of life and you know about separation well, is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them? Is it possible that we can live our entire life without loving at all? – Love of Siam, Mew.
5. I can’t be your boyfriend but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. – Love of Siam, Tong.
6. “What” and “if” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. – Letters to Juliet, Sophie’s Letter to Claire.
7. She had me at my worst; you had me at my best. Pero binaliwala mo ang lahat (But you took everything for granted) and you chose to break my heart. – One More Chance, Popoy Gonzalez
8. Does that work for you? Can you be okay without seeing me? I can’t do it. I don’t know why I’m being clingy myself. But I need to see you. Whether the lion eats grass or caviar can be mixed with rice, I know how pathetic and idiotic this is. But I don’t know about all that – I just want to hold you. – Flower Boy Ramyun Shop, Cha Chi-soo.
9. Yes, you’re right; you don’t fit me. I’m too much for you. You know why? It’s not because you hurt my pride, it’s not because you mentioned my family problems and hurt me. It’s because I took the courage for you, but you didn’t do anything for me. Yes, if that’s what you want, then I will leave you alone. I thought you were a good dream, but you were a bad dream Cha Eun-sang. – The Heirs/The Inheritors, Kim Tan.
10. A cruel revenge where I must shoot my real father, if I did it, would I be able to go on well with my life? I who had to point a gun at the woman I love, do you think I’d be fine? A father who lost his leg for me, and I have to face off with him, how do you think I feel? I wanted you to think of me just once and stop. I, I just wanted to live an ordinary and happy life with you; but it was all a dream. – City Hunter, Lee Yoon Sung.
There you have it, 10 out of the long list of my favorites. Most of them are heartbreaking, I know but then again I am quoting it so it is expected. How about you, what are your favorite quotes?