An Unlikely But Fitting Lullaby

It’s been really hard to sleep post sickness (I’m still a bit under the weather and on meds so thankfully I’m always knocked out effortlessly) that I have been using my “lullaby playlist” more often than not for help. A few nights post sickness, as my lullaby plays – on shuffle of course – a song that I didn’t realize I included on the list played and I had to keep still for a few seconds to remember where I heard it before I decided to keep it on repeat and eventually fell asleep in the process. No, it’s not an instrumental and it’s possibly one of the saddest song I’ve ever heard in my life but since I am me, I find it appealing and for some reason helpful because I so want an excuse to cry, that’s how trying things are right now.

The first time I heard this song is on Dream High – the first one, with Wooyoung. Sorry, I just had to sneak that in there, I hope you understand. If I remember it correctly, IU played this in the hospital, I’ll probably re-watch the drama soon, when I can focus completely at home. Yeah, back to the song.. Here it is:

I know, it’s definitely a very unlikely lullaby cause it’s just oh so full of longing for someone but I am longing myself, longing for some peace and comfort and things that I used to have post “series of unfortunate events” that it matches so well. And yes it makes me cry but I need to, I need it. Otherwise how will I let my frustration out? What means, what ways?

In more ways than one I am waiting but unlike the song, I’ll be moving forward to find what I have lost and possibly to free myself of things that’s tying me down. And I’m hoping, on a clear day, what I have lost comes back to me just like when it left.

I’m Here, Struggling… I’m Sorry

“Some of our important choices have a timeline. If we delay a decision, the opportunity is gone forever. Sometimes our doubts keep us from making a choice that involves change. Thus an opportunity may be missed. – James E. Faust”

Today, I break my silence. Not because of anyone or anything but because I feel it is about time to speak or write something and because right now, in the midst of being under the weather, I feel a certain tranquility within me. If you have noticed, I’ve left my “home on the internet” abandoned for far too long that it’s ridiculous but am not putting the blame on anybody but myself because I did this to me. Whatever it is that I am experiencing right now, whatever struggle I am facing, I brought it all to myself. At the top of my head the words “you should have known better” has been hammered down, or engraved whichever leaves the most impact and it’s reminding me constantly if not always that I should have went with my gut-feel and just moved on – too late. Well, better late than never and right now as I write this, I have made up my mind and I am now ready to embrace change with arms wide open.

So, what’s with the post title? I feel it sums up what’s happening right now – I am here albeit struggling. Meaning I am around; that’s a general truth, existing but not productive like I want to be because inspiration has abandoned me (?) the moment I lost my focus and was filled with vile thoughts that I have yet to properly name. Struggling – my way of saying “trying to fit in” which is something I shouldn’t be doing really cause haven’t I learned anything back in my high school days – the more you try to fit in, the more it will stand out that you’re different and ultimately, you’ll just feel used. In conclusion, yes, I should have known better and again, it’s too late; nothing can be saved because things have crumbled down to its ruins.

Ultimately; I’m sorry – more to myself than anyone else because I went through an ordeal that could have been avoided had I thought of myself more, had I put my needs before others, had I been more considerate of me who’s living away from home, away from real friends and family. I’m sorry because I tried to persevere when I shouldn’t have; stuck around when I should have moved forward on my own. I’m sorry because I couldn’t differentiate sticking around because of friendship and sticking around because something is needed of you; I don’t know the difference then and I still don’t have any idea now and for that, I am sorry; I apologize; I ask for forgiveness.

I guess I covered everything; the quote is self-explanatory. Now that I put all of that down, time to hypnotize myself – it’s gonna be okay, it’s okay.

[Day 6] The Animal in Me (If you were an animal, what would you be and why?)

This is one of the “beauty pageant” questions out of the 30 and seriously speaking, at the back of my head I said “Huh?!” when I read this question because I am not the type of person that can be a contestant in a beauty pageant, it’s not me; plus I don’t want to. Either way since its part of the challenge, let’s answer it shall we?

If I were an animal, I would certainly be a hawk. Why? Because I have very poor eyesight and hawks are known to have visual acuity. Is that all? But wait, there’s more (thank you infomercials for always offering more!) I do not just want to have such visual acuity as much as I really want to see the world in its full Technicolor, without depending on the aid of eyeglasses. I want to really see clearly how the flowers bloom, the true colors of the sunset, God’s canvas. I know some would think “what is this person blabbing about?” I know some of you would understand, being almost visually impaired has its shortcomings and since I am born with it, I’ve known about it all my life.

Visual acuity aside, I would certainly be a hawk because these birds are peaceful, though it is known to be a violent predator. Peace is something that I always try to maintain; I want to be at peace not just with myself but with the few people around me. I can’t stand the tension, it makes me lose my focus and I’m already a scattered brain as it is.

I thank you! (Isn’t that the standard last sentence after answering the question in the question and answer proper of a pageant? I think so.) I have 24 more days remaining. I’m thinking of rewarding myself after this challenge. What would it be?

How about you, if you were an animal, what would you be and why?

[Day 2] My Take on Fear (Describe 3 fears that you have)

Out of the 30 things in the list this one is a bit delicate and difficult for me to answer: three (3) fears that I have. Dang, mentioning one is already too much but three? Let me bite my lower lip and muster some courage, I’m going to dive in, and hopefully I won’t ruffle much of my feathers. If you are really “reading” this, I’ll be honest, I’m a coward, and I have plenty in the fear category. Here’s my top three:

1. I fear not making up to my mom’s standard (not that I met it anyways.) This was worst when I was younger, actually. I really want to please her, sadly, it was never enough. And looking back, I know this is one of the main reasons why I’m not that close to my mom, why when she tries to be sweet with me now I feel awkward. I lived with this fear since I can remember; I dunno how I’ll overcome it.

2. I fear being in the dark more because of those things that I can feel than what I could see.

3. Last but not the least; though it’s not such a pressing fear at the moment, I love how free and uncomplicated my life is right now, how I can go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do without anyone nagging me with questions like what I was doing or where I was. It’s all good, well, until I login on Facebook and see photos of my classmates with their own family on my timeline. That’s the only time that I would really feel that fear, being alone and uncertain of my future. I know I’m not gonna be in my 30’s forever and that my brothers will settle down in the long run (guys don’t have much of this problem or so I think) but what about me? Am I to spend time on my own in a house with a garden full of dying plants? (I am a plant killer, even a weed, if I planted it won’t last more than a day.) This scares me a lot but I try my best not to think about it. I read in one of my English books in elementary grade that what is to happen will happen. So during those times that I feel this fear, I repeat in my head what I read on that English book and say a silent prayer, because I know God will take care of the rest.

I survived, I think. Two days down, 28 more to go. I guess I’ll re-read the list just to be prepared.