It’s been really hard to sleep post sickness (I’m still a bit under the weather and on meds so thankfully I’m always knocked out effortlessly) that I have been using my “lullaby playlist” more often than not for help. A few nights post sickness, as my lullaby plays – on shuffle of course – a song that I didn’t realize I included on the list played and I had to keep still for a few seconds to remember where I heard it before I decided to keep it on repeat and eventually fell asleep in the process. No, it’s not an instrumental and it’s possibly one of the saddest song I’ve ever heard in my life but since I am me, I find it appealing and for some reason helpful because I so want an excuse to cry, that’s how trying things are right now.
The first time I heard this song is on Dream High – the first one, with Wooyoung. Sorry, I just had to sneak that in there, I hope you understand. If I remember it correctly, IU played this in the hospital, I’ll probably re-watch the drama soon, when I can focus completely at home. Yeah, back to the song.. Here it is:
I know, it’s definitely a very unlikely lullaby cause it’s just oh so full of longing for someone but I am longing myself, longing for some peace and comfort and things that I used to have post “series of unfortunate events” that it matches so well. And yes it makes me cry but I need to, I need it. Otherwise how will I let my frustration out? What means, what ways?
In more ways than one I am waiting but unlike the song, I’ll be moving forward to find what I have lost and possibly to free myself of things that’s tying me down. And I’m hoping, on a clear day, what I have lost comes back to me just like when it left.
“Some of our important choices have a timeline. If we delay a decision, the opportunity is gone forever. Sometimes our doubts keep us from making a choice that involves change. Thus an opportunity may be missed. – James E. Faust”
Today, I break my silence. Not because of anyone or anything but because I feel it is about time to speak or write something and because right now, in the midst of being under the weather, I feel a certain tranquility within me. If you have noticed, I’ve left my “home on the internet” abandoned for far too long that it’s ridiculous but am not putting the blame on anybody but myself because I did this to me. Whatever it is that I am experiencing right now, whatever struggle I am facing, I brought it all to myself. At the top of my head the words “you should have known better” has been hammered down, or engraved whichever leaves the most impact and it’s reminding me constantly if not always that I should have went with my gut-feel and just moved on – too late. Well, better late than never and right now as I write this, I have made up my mind and I am now ready to embrace change with arms wide open.
So, what’s with the post title? I feel it sums up what’s happening right now – I am here albeit struggling. Meaning I am around; that’s a general truth, existing but not productive like I want to be because inspiration has abandoned me (?) the moment I lost my focus and was filled with vile thoughts that I have yet to properly name. Struggling – my way of saying “trying to fit in” which is something I shouldn’t be doing really cause haven’t I learned anything back in my high school days – the more you try to fit in, the more it will stand out that you’re different and ultimately, you’ll just feel used. In conclusion, yes, I should have known better and again, it’s too late; nothing can be saved because things have crumbled down to its ruins.
Ultimately; I’m sorry – more to myself than anyone else because I went through an ordeal that could have been avoided had I thought of myself more, had I put my needs before others, had I been more considerate of me who’s living away from home, away from real friends and family. I’m sorry because I tried to persevere when I shouldn’t have; stuck around when I should have moved forward on my own. I’m sorry because I couldn’t differentiate sticking around because of friendship and sticking around because something is needed of you; I don’t know the difference then and I still don’t have any idea now and for that, I am sorry; I apologize; I ask for forgiveness.
I guess I covered everything; the quote is self-explanatory. Now that I put all of that down, time to hypnotize myself – it’s gonna be okay, it’s okay.