Feelings You Refuse to Feel

Feeling warm, feeling free,

feeling feelings not meant to be.

Feeling cool, feeling good,

feeling like this never should.

All to giddy, all too glad,

like everything’s in fast forward.

Pretty smiles, yes those smiles,

could take you to a thousand miles.

Those smiles, the miles,

words screaming to stop – rewind.

Do you really want those feelings again?

Did you not suffer enough back then?

It’s those feelings again,

those feelings you refuse to feel.

Almost true, barely ever there;

and could make you go through hell.

Yes, those feelings, almost true,

hitting you out of the blue.

But never lasting for eternity,

and could cause you to fail utterably.

Thus you close your eyes and turn away,

barely shaking what’s creeping in;

determined to brush that seed, the uncertain,

those feelings you refuse to feel.

 

[As I Quote Tuesday] On Love and Friendship

“Love is an extremely close friendship. – Enrique
Geum, Flower Boy Next Door”

Love has been defined in bazillions of ways, by bazillions of people, from the Bible to philosophers to variety of authors, egoistic, realists and narcissists but so far, what I quoted is one definition that I love among others. It’s touching, pure, and somehow complicated but actually not.

Love could be anything, in fact love is universal; it’s also a bond and the closeness that’s established through love is a gift, a priceless one. Such is a bond with true or extremely close friends. Distance can’t erase it, nor could time because the bond that’s sewn together is by far sturdier than both distance and time.

Why the sentiments? I don’t have any idea, well I might; alright I do. I have a few of that kind of friends, those that could guess or know what I’m up to and could put up with my never ending rants as well as my sarcasm. I can say that our friendship is somewhat extreme because I know myself and it’s pretty hard to put up with me like I always say. Maybe because I’m starved of affection or something, sometimes I don’t really understand too but I know; it’s hard to get through someone like me.

Currently, I am far away with those friends, so freakishly far. And we don’t get to talk often; well we have each our own lives to live plus I am sort of straying from some social media specifically Facebook and time differences, it’s a total disaster. But I know that they remember me as much as I remember them and that if ever we get time to talk, there’s no adjustment that needs to be done. When we get that chance to talk again, it’s just picking up where we left off and it’s always as fun as I can ever remember.

I guess that could be classified as loving, I am not positively sure. I’ve been looking at that angle for quite some time now and I am still not certain about it. The only love that I am certain about currently is familial, and most of my “I love you” nowadays is from my 1st brother (yes, we say “I love you” to each other before hanging up) which is also quite unexpected especially because we grew up hating each other (or I hated him because he was mother’s favorite which she insist that it isn’t so) and fighting like cats and dogs, I guess things change when you get older, well, most of it.

Sorrow Every Morn

Lost in the dark,
Mending a broken heart.
Unsure where to start,
Fixing the gaps and parts.
Everything runs deeply,
I am hurt completely.
It is really that easy,
To throw this all away?
It’s easy to say forever,
Though you know it could be over.
It won’t be that much longer
To see that all is gone.
And here you was the one who said hold on,
That you can never make it on your own,
How could you leave me all alone,
To face the sorrow every morn?
I was so wrong
To think we belong
Dreaming of something
not mine all along.
Sure is all wrong
To hope so strong
That you’ll return
And I won’t be alone.
Now it will never matter,
I know that all is over.
I would stay on my own
And face the sorrow every morn.

Love or Whatnot

Last night, out of boredom or most likely being the impulsive person that I am, I found myself checking the tweets that I tweeted since I signed up for a Twitter account. Some are just re-tweets, a few conversation and most just outright spilling of random inner thoughts about things that seems to be extremely bothersome and complicated at that point in time, maybe. As I read those tweets, all 3,089 of them, I pause every once in a while, checking how I feel about a particular tweet that I made not so long ago, particularly about those with an almost love theme, letting go, longing and stuff that’s on the long mush list. I shouldn’t have paused.

With every pause I made, that nagging inside built, fraction by excruciating fraction and in the end, the option of just ignoring it fled altogether and I got into deeply thinking about something that I haven’t been paying attention at all lately. This might sound outright insane or for some tragic but still, it’s a thought that has been there for a long time now, quite a long time. Did I really feel that strong emotion that time enough to let it be displayed in my own space on the internet? Was all that true, unadulterated raw emotion? How come I don’t feel anything anymore? Did I really fell in love or was I just in love with the concept of being in love?

In my current state, being immense in fairytale like stories on a daily basis, looking from the outside, never within, I somehow became extremely doubtful of what I felt back then. I realized that what I wanted was a dream, but I was not in the dream that I wanted, never was, never would be. In my effort to find out how the dream feels like, I have deluded myself, planted colorful and wonderful images that are merely product of my imagination, alas, never to come true. The insistent question though is how do you know you have truly loved or not?

Seriously I have considered looking into this further to the point that I almost typed it in on Google (I stopped right before my fingers touched the keyboard) since Google is so smart right, it has an answer for everything no matter how shallow or how intense the question is. But I realized the answers would just be theories, theories and never ending theories that I wouldn’t have any idea if ever applied or what. I also discouraged myself from asking the question out loud because I remember I have asked someone this question a long time ago, and I remember being more confused than enlightened after the answer.

Perhaps I’ll continue wondering, especially on my free time and I hope, I sincerely hope that one day, I find that answer to my insistent question. But for now I’ll stay immense in fairytales because maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to see some hint and hopefully the answer, after all, one can always hope.