I’m Here, Struggling… I’m Sorry

“Some of our important choices have a timeline. If we delay a decision, the opportunity is gone forever. Sometimes our doubts keep us from making a choice that involves change. Thus an opportunity may be missed. – James E. Faust”

Today, I break my silence. Not because of anyone or anything but because I feel it is about time to speak or write something and because right now, in the midst of being under the weather, I feel a certain tranquility within me. If you have noticed, I’ve left my “home on the internet” abandoned for far too long that it’s ridiculous but am not putting the blame on anybody but myself because I did this to me. Whatever it is that I am experiencing right now, whatever struggle I am facing, I brought it all to myself. At the top of my head the words “you should have known better” has been hammered down, or engraved whichever leaves the most impact and it’s reminding me constantly if not always that I should have went with my gut-feel and just moved on – too late. Well, better late than never and right now as I write this, I have made up my mind and I am now ready to embrace change with arms wide open.

So, what’s with the post title? I feel it sums up what’s happening right now – I am here albeit struggling. Meaning I am around; that’s a general truth, existing but not productive like I want to be because inspiration has abandoned me (?) the moment I lost my focus and was filled with vile thoughts that I have yet to properly name. Struggling – my way of saying “trying to fit in” which is something I shouldn’t be doing really cause haven’t I learned anything back in my high school days – the more you try to fit in, the more it will stand out that you’re different and ultimately, you’ll just feel used. In conclusion, yes, I should have known better and again, it’s too late; nothing can be saved because things have crumbled down to its ruins.

Ultimately; I’m sorry – more to myself than anyone else because I went through an ordeal that could have been avoided had I thought of myself more, had I put my needs before others, had I been more considerate of me who’s living away from home, away from real friends and family. I’m sorry because I tried to persevere when I shouldn’t have; stuck around when I should have moved forward on my own. I’m sorry because I couldn’t differentiate sticking around because of friendship and sticking around because something is needed of you; I don’t know the difference then and I still don’t have any idea now and for that, I am sorry; I apologize; I ask for forgiveness.

I guess I covered everything; the quote is self-explanatory. Now that I put all of that down, time to hypnotize myself – it’s gonna be okay, it’s okay.

A Rundown of What I was Up To

I haven’t been penning anything lately and it’s saddening rather it saddens me but inspiration has been avoiding me like the plague; or so I think. Though the whole time I’ve been out of touch, I’ve been quite successful with doing or choosing the right thing that is as I believe, I’ve realized that indeed, I wasn’t so bad at all. So, what was I up to?  Read on:

  • Getting in touch with my inner teacher. Yup, you read that right. I’ve been spending more time helping my mom with her college assignments that sometimes it makes me feel like I’m studying all over again or that I’m playing the teacher like when I was younger. It’s fun, though sometimes it could be painstaking specially if mom forgets the time difference and calls at 4:00am my time. Either way, it’s exciting and I realized that whatever gap we had from when I was younger is mostly water under the bridge now; it makes me feel good.
  • I started to be conscious about myself. By that I mean I started to make time to “workout” or “run/walk” or “do yoga” at least an hour a day at the very least. Well I owe most of it to my great friend Nelly who is an inspiration and a very awesome enabler. Yup, that’s her. I am planning to make a big leap soon, which is to challenge myself for something big, something I wouldn’t even ever imagine a few years back. I hope to get my act together for that to materialize.
  • Been out with friends. For a few hours that is because the danger of them disowning me is lurking about, it’s scary, really scary I sometimes dare not think but then again, it’s difficult to drag myself away from my screens, all three of them – laptop, phone and player. Balancing life is really difficult, I now realized it.
  • Try it, it’s good for you. I’ve been trying to learn how to swim, no results yet but I hope I get there, I wanna get there. I wanna learn how to swim.
  • Thank you for the music. Or more like thank you Kpop for helping me survive my daily life of boring business and endless phone calls and letter drafting for people that I might not even get to meet because I don’t want to otherwise known as I’ve completely embraced Kpop. Here’s my favorite playlist ever:

  • Bon appetite. Of course there’s some cooking going on still, mostly of dishes that I am not familiar with and deconstructing some of those dishes that I know of. It’s fun and calming. I only regret not being able to take more photos. I only have these two:

from scratch not ready made mix  my version of cold noodles

 

(Pancake is from scratch, not the ready made kind while the noodles is my version of cold noodles.)

 

  • Go ahead and watch. And of course, even if I don’t write about it, it is safe to assume that I have been watching dramas endlessly. During my stupor I’ve finished 4 series, that’s a record. Hopefully I’ll put my reviews up pretty soon *prays that inspiration doesn’t run away*

So.. Yeah. I therefore conclude that I have been hiding under a rock for the past month and I am now in the process of crawling out. I missed you all, chingudeul.

[As I Quote Tuesday] Those Stangers

“Except myself, everyone is a stranger. In the end,
they become strangers. –Shin Joo-yeon, I Need
Romance 3

Did it ever happen to you, being extremely close to a certain person then one day, all of a sudden you’re not seeing eye to eye anymore nor talking, and all the while you don’t have any idea what happened? Did that ever happened to you? It did to me and it took me a long time to get over that situation. It was one of those saddest moments in my life although now I get and understand what happened, and it’s not so bad anymore.

There’s plenty of lines worth quoting in I Need Romance 3, it has both wits and touch of reality though of course, you won’t completely believe most of the things that’s being portrayed could happen, some of it, yes, never in entirety. When I first heard what I quoted, I am reminded of those times, those times that I was estranged from a close friend back then who shall remain nameless to protect both of us, err, well mostly her or them, all I’m gonna say is it happened a long time ago, but the feeling I can recall quite clearly and even the look on her face also, to my disbelief.

Why the disbelief? Well because we were soooo close, I cook for her; I fix stuff for her and more. I was at her beck and call then one day, we fell apart because of something baseless and petty. I know I’m not without a fault, I should have been less straight forward it’s just that she knows me for being one that I don’t understand why she couldn’t overlook my sharp, stupid mouth that time. And yes I spoke more out of anger, because of the hurtful things that has been going around. In the end, there’s nothing that we could both do to even try fix what has been broken, plenty of people got involved and things was blown out of proportion. We ended up as strangers, being civil is not an option either.

Thus, I got my own flashback when I heard this lines, life is full of strangers, but that doesn’t mean you should be closing down your doors to get to know or be close to anybody, that’s as bad as being a estranged. No man, is an island; and even if I experienced being estranged from someone, it doesn’t mean that I won’t be going about the world and know people or at the most be close to them. We are all strangers yes, but it doesn’t mean there’s not a single connection to all of us.

At most I see and believe that life is a highway, a long road that at first you travel on your own but as you go, you meet travelers, some may walk with you for some time, some completely pass you by and some that might stay and walk with you until the end of the line. All of them are strangers, yet, you have that connection, you’re traveling the road called life.

A Review of the Year End Kind

Wow, will you look at that; another year is coming to its end; another year passed by almost unnoticed. It still feels like it was just yesterday when I celebrated the New Year’s Eve with friends, near friends, somewhat friends, either way, it really dawns on me that this year is almost at its end because that New Year’s Eve is all in the past now.

This year is the year of the unexpected, the year of finding my old self or the year that my old self woke up from its coma. 😀 I had to admit I didn’t think it’s possible to have this drive, energy and interest again because after all, I’ve aged (not so gracefully) so it still comes as a surprise that I’m holding my ground somewhat; it’s true that it’s never too late.

Right, so 2013, what happened in 2013? It’s a series of events, some fortunate some unfortunate which is why I am classifying 2013 into three (3) the good, the bad and the half baked:

The Good:

~ I started to write poems again, like I do a very long time ago and I have to admit I thought I won’t have that feeling anymore, the anxiousness to wake up in the middle of the night just to write down the lines forming in my head so it won’t slip away, it’s awesome. I missed those urges, it makes me feel like I’m my old self again.

~ I started to cook/learn Korean dishes and surprised that I still have that passion for cooking, who would have thought I’ll fall in love with the kitchen this hard the 2nd time around.

~ I started blogging again and is doing my earnest to continue for my own good. This is the therapy that I need, a way to let go and organize all the things that are swirling in my scattered brain. And it’s a means for me to remember, cause I am not getting any younger and things are somehow slipping from my mind sometimes so I wish to keep a record that I can access anytime I want, anywhere.

~ I fell in love with Korean Dramas and Movies and everything will never be the same ever again. Though I must admit it’s kind of awkward for me to call myself a fangirl at this age but what the heck? To each her own.

~ I got a new job description, although it is pretty much an additional workload and a still under negotiation increase, it’s a change.

~ I accepted that it is time to stop running after something that is not worth it, I finally woke up from the my illusion, I’m facing reality now.

~ I got to see Anne Gelene after 3 long years, and I have to say her stay at my place was too short! We didn’t get to have a Korean Drama marathon as planned. I hope she gets to visit again this coming year.

~ Finally had the guts to dye my hair. (Sorry mother, I really wanted to do this since I can’t remember when.)

The Bad:

~ Lost friendship, well it’s more on I realized who is true to me, not that I do not have any faults about that.

~ Ended relationship for good.

~ Work mishaps, and it cost me something, well more than something.

~ My blackberry decided to breakdown for good.

~ My laptop is at the brink of breaking down too.

The Half Baked:

~ Still struggling to quit smoking, half way there, I’m going to stop, I’m claiming it.

~ In the process of considering writing a story, I will once I stop overthinking.

~ Trying to learn Korean, I know the letters already, I just need to push some more.

That was what year 2013 brought to me, I’m almost ready to put it behind and take on 2014 head on. Looking forward to another year, another beginning, another chapter of my existence.

[Day 30] What is Happiness? (Are you happy with your life right now?)

I still can’t believe that I am down to the last day of the challenge. Did that really happen? I’m not hallucinating right? This is it, the last day, the last challenge and all I can say is that this is the most trickiest question among the bunch, one that I haven’t been asked by anyone ever, except myself.

The last challenge/question is am I happy with my life right now. How should I answer that? I know it’s supposed to be a simple yes or no thing but I feel it is something more, something I haven’t answered no matter how many times I asked myself. Am I happy with my life right now?

I read somewhere that happiness is a state of mind, it is what you make it. One could have all the misfortunes in the world and still could say that they are happy because they know that no matter how unfortunate they are as of the moment, the time would come that everything would turn out for the best, I can’t really tell though. Am I happy?

This question makes me really look at my current situation, my now, and delve deeply on what’s happening to my life. Currently I am employed, earning less that $1000 dollars a month without tax. I am a thousand miles away from my homeland, from my family and from a few close friends. I live with people that mostly do not understand what I feel and the way I think. So, am I happy? What is happiness? It’s a word with a meaning that I somehow can’t fully grasp; sometimes it’s a mystery.

When I was younger and life is way simpler than now, I could be happy with just the thought of not having classes every Saturday and Sunday. I smile brightly and sometimes jump up and down whenever my mother would tell me that I’ll be spending my summer or Christmas vacation with my grandfather and grandmother from my mother’s side. Going to the farm makes me giddy, even if I have to walk a long way just to reach there. Those days, being happy is as easy as being given a piece of candy. Those were the days.

At this point, I’m going to give my answer to the challenge, to completely nail it. At the moment, I am somewhat happy because despite what I have mentioned about my current situation, I am still alive and has the chance to turn everything around any time I deem to. I’m contented with what I have because I have enough. I am doing what I can under the circumstances that I know is almost at its end; just the thought makes me smile already. I have my family even if they are far away, I have a brother who has my back, who understand all my twisted reasoning. I have a few close friends who doesn’t judge me and whom I know will never get tired of hearing me whine every once in a while. I have Anne and Maan whom I can talk to whenever I want decent, meaningful conversation. I have dramas to fill all my nights (and early mornings.) Thus, I say that I am happy right now.

This concludes the challenge, my 30 day blog challenge. It’s amazing how I stuck with it and didn’t give in to my lazy self, that’s something. And knowing that I can do something like this makes me confident that I can challenge myself some more and I am gonna do so, at my own phase and time.