[As I Quote Tuesday] On Love and Friendship

“Love is an extremely close friendship. – Enrique
Geum, Flower Boy Next Door”

Love has been defined in bazillions of ways, by bazillions of people, from the Bible to philosophers to variety of authors, egoistic, realists and narcissists but so far, what I quoted is one definition that I love among others. It’s touching, pure, and somehow complicated but actually not.

Love could be anything, in fact love is universal; it’s also a bond and the closeness that’s established through love is a gift, a priceless one. Such is a bond with true or extremely close friends. Distance can’t erase it, nor could time because the bond that’s sewn together is by far sturdier than both distance and time.

Why the sentiments? I don’t have any idea, well I might; alright I do. I have a few of that kind of friends, those that could guess or know what I’m up to and could put up with my never ending rants as well as my sarcasm. I can say that our friendship is somewhat extreme because I know myself and it’s pretty hard to put up with me like I always say. Maybe because I’m starved of affection or something, sometimes I don’t really understand too but I know; it’s hard to get through someone like me.

Currently, I am far away with those friends, so freakishly far. And we don’t get to talk often; well we have each our own lives to live plus I am sort of straying from some social media specifically Facebook and time differences, it’s a total disaster. But I know that they remember me as much as I remember them and that if ever we get time to talk, there’s no adjustment that needs to be done. When we get that chance to talk again, it’s just picking up where we left off and it’s always as fun as I can ever remember.

I guess that could be classified as loving, I am not positively sure. I’ve been looking at that angle for quite some time now and I am still not certain about it. The only love that I am certain about currently is familial, and most of my “I love you” nowadays is from my 1st brother (yes, we say “I love you” to each other before hanging up) which is also quite unexpected especially because we grew up hating each other (or I hated him because he was mother’s favorite which she insist that it isn’t so) and fighting like cats and dogs, I guess things change when you get older, well, most of it.

[As I Quote Tuesday] On Unrequited Love

“How timid and frail is unrequited love? A place you entered of your own accord, but you’re trapped inside, unable to find an exit. He doesn’t know a thing, and could one day leave my line of sight, and the love ends passively. A love that does not bloom flowers and thus cannot dream of bearing fruit, a love like a seed that is forgotten. That is unrequited love.” – Go Dok-mi, Flower Boy Next Door”

Unrequited love is a term that I’ve always heard being mentioned in K-Dramaland, in fact, I think most of the dramas that I’ve watched have characters mentioning about their unrequited loves but the most profound description that I’ve encountered so far is in Flower Boy Next Door. The way Go Dok-mi (portrayed by Park Shin-hye) described unrequited love is so on the spot, the simile sad yet true, oh so true. Knowing the truth about it though, I can’t help but ask, is there a way to avoid it especially because you’re completely aware that it is not gonna bear fruits anyway, so why not avoid it as it comes, or as you feel it?

I did have an answer, “you wish!” Yes, I’m talking to myself and that’s what the other side of me answered. Feelings as I’ve experienced and studied is not something that you can turn on and off like a switch or a faucet that you can open when you want to use and close when you’re done using it. Loving is involuntary, it’s not something you can control even if it just started from mere admiration.

I’ve had my own share of unrequited love; it happened a long, long time ago, but I can still remember him and my embarrassment when he found out about how I felt. Well, there was no outright rejection or something but let’s just say everything was blown out of proportion and he became a proud dude nearing to the jerk type. Thinking about it now, it’s kinda hilarious and the embarrassment part seems subtler than when it really happened. Ah, the memories, I wonder if he still remembers though, I think he’s my friend in facebook, LOL!

If I learned anything from that time it’s to take courage and never be in that situation again, an outright no is way easier to accept and live with than a futile gazing from afar that goes nowhere and might end into something embarrassing and painful.

What to Value

“Was I not enough? Even though it was just the two of us, I was okay with just you. Better than having ten or a hundred other friends, I was perfectly happy with just you. – Go Dok-mi, Flower Boy Next Door”

I’ve placed value on quality over quantity pretty early in my life. I never really cared that much if I had more as long as I have what I deserve, well except for coffee, that’s a different story, I can never have enough of coffee and that’s completely irrelevant.

I was touched (I mean completely and unutterably) by this line from Flower Boy Next Door, and the way that it was delivered, I cried with Go Dok-mi (played by Park Shin-hye,) she broke my heart. That’s precisely how I look at friendship now, after a few grave mistakes that I learned a lot from, I realized more than what I already know, that quality is indeed more valuable than quantity.

There was a time that I was trying so hard to have friends, like tried really hard and looking back now, I laugh at myself. Why the effort? Why the extra mile? Thinking about it now, I see how laughable I was for trying so hard to fit in a surrounding that was not ready for a different person like me. Thankfully I woke up before I ruined myself and I accepted the fact that I will always be different and it is absolutely fine.

After that time of struggling to belong, as I grew older and mingled with people, I met those very few people that stayed and became part of my life as my friends, a rare few. Rare because I’ve established that I’m different, the things I like, what I do, what I’m into, let’s say I kind of violate the norm. And I will be forever grateful to those rare few for staying, for understanding and putting up with a nutcase like me. They are enough, in actuality they are more than enough and I am perfectly happy with just those rare few.

Now if you’re willing to put up with the same thing that they are putting up with, you’re welcome and I’ll gladly call you a friend and believe me, I may be a nutcase, but I know how to value people, the same way those rare few values me.

A Home or a House

When I went to your house, it always smelled of food and was warm. You knew it was a home. Then I had to come to this room, I hated it and it was colder and lonelier. That’s probably when it all began, when I stopped coming over to your house. -Kwon Ji Hyuk, Shut Up Flower Boy Band”

Living in a house on my own has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. The reason behind it is because I haven’t really experienced what it’s like to live completely alone, I’ve always shared space with someone so the concept is completely appealing and attractive to me. That is until I watched Shut Up Flower Boy Band. Kwon Ji Hyuk’s (played by Sung Joon) comparison of a home shared by a family and a house lived on your own left a deep impression on me. How a family home is warm and a house on your own is cold and lonely. It made me wonder: Do I still want to live in a house on my own?

Well, the way that I’m living now is sort of like the cold and lonely house that Ji Hyuk has even if I’m surrounded with people. It’s the same because even if I eat, interact and share a space with them, that feeling that you are a family is lacking, it’s not a home, there’s no belongingness at all. We each care more about ourselves (or so I feel,) we each have different problems and situation to settle and take care of. As I said, there’s no belongingness, no attachment whatsoever. Thinking about it just made me wonder some more, would it be better if I live in a house on my own?

I don’t usually care about these things, I’m completely passive most of the time that’s why I’m a bit weirded out with my way of thinking at the moment. Maybe it has to do with the time of the year; yes, I think it has something to do with that. Christmas is around the corner again and I’ll be sharing it with people who are not my family which is sad; which only rubs the fact that I really am not home but alone some place else in a house with different people.