If It’s Not You

It has been forever,

It feels like it too.

It has been forever

Since I let you go;

Or so you thought.

And while you might think that,

There was never a day

That I never thought of you.

Hasn’t been a minute

That I didn’t miss your smile,

And your eternal clumsiness.

The minute I open my eyes,

I count, remember the number of days

Since I let you walk out of my life.

Though that didn’t destroy me,

It left a hole never to be filled.

Not unless it’s you, only you.

And I have been waiting,

What other choice do I have?

When I’ve been bewitched, blinded;

And the fact that I know if it’s not you

It’s not gonna be enough.

Sweet Words of Uncertainty

She was her parent’s pride and joy,

Their own drop of sunshine

Their summer morning mist,

From the day she was born.

She is a princess they’ve waited for so long,

Just because they wanted a good life for her;

A life where she could do whatever she wants,

Be whoever she wants and more.

Indeed there’s a lot that she wanted,

Like travelling all over the world,

Be a supreme ballerina, a dancer,

A teacher, a pilot, a writer.

She thought of being an engineer,

For the love of the environment.

It would have been wonderful,

Spectacular, should it happen.

That’s all uncertain now,

For the past few days,

Since she sent this message:

“Mom, Dad, I love you.”

Sweet words, should have been reassuring,

Sweet words with the opposite effects.

Sweet words should have been relieving,

Not confirming the uncertainty.

Until Then – An Ode to 윤시윤

It’s like a door shuts on my face,

Like being doused with cold water.

I literally paused to collect myself,

But all I could think of is –

“Why the lack of farewell?”

True it’s a great show of consideration,

You mentioned “every man has to go”

But still this nagging won’t falter,

Nor the sadness that steadily swells –

“Why, oh why did you quietly go?”

That’s two years away from the lime light,

Two years without seeing you in an act,

Two years of following a mandatory fact,

Two years. Two. Long. Years.

That I hope to pass by in a flash.

I supposed “re-watches” could fill the void,

Even those ones that I was all annoyed.

Of course let’s not forget those I’ve enjoyed,

Watching you as a baker, a designer – flower boy;

That was all worth “squeeing” for.

Of course there’s those few songs you sang,

A few, oh so rare music videos,

And not to mention fan made ones;

I’ll get to hear you, I’ll get to see you,

Though a repeat, not a new one.

Mooning over photos’ another option,

Drowning in all the cuteness,

Squealing with all the hotness,

Easily interchangeable and pulled off

Depending on you holding some food and not.

Right, I’m finally sober, I kinda saw a light,

Well a vision of an all manned up you that is.

A glimpse of something that’s yet to come,

Until then I’ll pray for your good health,

Until then, until you come back – I’ll be waiting.

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Flower

Pitter patter, pitter patter,

Goes the drops, one after another.

Pitter patter, pitter patter,

With every sound somewhere a flutter.

Hidden from sight, buried deep,

Covered in darkness yet hopeful you sleep.

Trusting that if the fates allowed,

You’ll find yourself free in the world above.

Believing that the sun will send you guides,

Who’ll wake you from your comfy slumber.

Who’ll hold you up, take you to the wide,

That amazing wonderful place yonder.

A world to show off your beauty,

For all of them to see.

A world filled with wondrous glee,

Even for a flower so lovely.

Pitter patter, pitter patter,

Goes the drops one after the other.

Pitter patter, pitter patter,

Brings joy to a waiting flower.

Words Our Lips Need Not Say

We don’t really need words,

We just need our eyes to meet,

And our hearts follows naturally,

Conveying words our lips need not say.

I shall see you on Monday,

No matter what happens that is.

And you’ll greet me like always,

With that dazzling smile of yours.

We’ll be doing nothing but the ordinary,

Well, at least it is for some;

Cause there’s nothing more special

Than meeting you over a cup of coffee.

I’ll be holding your hand again,

And feed you some choco muffin,

Or maybe strawberry or vanilla,

Or something that taste like mocha.

You’ll be laughing adorably,

Cause you know I love hearing and seeing it –

The bell-like sound in your laughter,

The captivating laughter in your eyes.

You’ll be keeping my stray hair off my eyes,

Mostly because we prefer gazing to talking;

Being absorbed and lost in each other’s gaze,

To a wonderful world that’s ours alone.

This goes on for hours,

Until it’s time for us to go.

And though we never utter at all,

We know; we’ll see each other on Monday.

We don’t really need words,

We just need our eyes to meet,

And our hearts follows naturally,

Conveying words our lips need not say.

Can I, Could I

I pretend not to notice her,

As she looks at me from afar.

Though I’m well aware,

Though I know she’s watching.

Maybe she don’t have any idea

How adorable looking she is,

How I try to suppress a smile

Every time I see her hiding.

I should approach her.

I should talk to her.

I should tell her I think she’s cute,

Can I; could I, I’m lost for words.

That has been the case for so long,

Although I don’t wish for it to go on,

All I can do is argue with myself –

Can I, could I possibly ask her out?

Why am I even shy,

When she obviously like me?

Why do I even weigh things,

Why do I over-think?

It would have been nice, if I bumped into her.

It would have been nice if she tripped and fall,

Cause by then it would have been so easy to ask,

Can I, could I possibly hold your hands?

You’re Smiling At Me

You’re smiling at me.

For a moment, I paused,

Letting it sink in;

You’re smiling at me.

From a distance,

A faint sound can be heard.

Sweet, melting melody,

Celebrating an epiphany.

Could it be, it’s paying off,

All those years looking at you?

Did you finally noticed me?

Do you finally know I exist?

At any rate, I’ll wait and see,

Whether at last you’ll be a reality.

But for now I’ll cherish this –

You smiling brightly at me.

Vicious Cycle

Eyes opened, disoriented, “what’s the time now?”

Somewhere out there, she’s probably sleeping; or not?

 

Head paining, like a million nails being hammered in,

How much and what was the drink last night?

 

Awareness slowly creeping, senses awakening,

And his question “did I take my clothes off?”

 

On the other side of the bed he turned and looked,

And in his head he said: “this doesn’t look so good.”

 

Out of bed to the bathroom, while flooded of last night’s events;

He told himself, “It’s probably best for her not to know” for the nth time.

 

“It was the alcohol” that’s you convincing yourself, bypassing your guilt.

But you know extremely well; this is your vicious cycle unrevealed yet.

Distance

I smiled the best way I can and wished you well,

Wished you all the love and happiness you deserve.

Wished you happy times with her, whose next to you,

And while doing so, I wonder “can he tell I’m hurting?”

Can he see pass the forced smile?

Can he see the shadows in my eyes?

Can he see the tears almost escaping;

The tears held together by pride?

Why is it so hard; saving one’s pride;

And why is it so important?

Why does it always end with:

“It’s not you, it’s me?”

Did I feel like shooting you or me?

Did I want to rip and tear her apart?

Did I wish it never happened?

Question is – does it matter?

Does it matter what I feel at this point,

Knowing I’d give more than you can?

Knowing the distance you can cross for me,

Doesn’t even come to a single mile.

Bleeding on the Guitar

He’s seated on their corner again,

Looking more battered than before;

Staring at nothing in particular,

Sighing, shaking his head.

Surprisingly he still cradles his guitar,

Though the music had completely changed;

Somewhat dark, too far from sweet,

As if completely drowning in memories.

Ah yes, those memories,

Some of joy, most of pain.

Biting and devouring sorrow,

Driving him to forget tomorrow.

Why did she go that way,

Right before his very eyes?

How could she go that way,

Leaving just memories on a guitar?

He’s seated on their corner again,

Reliving everything with every strum;

Letting his feelings show for a moment,

Letting himself bleed on the guitar.