I’m Here, Struggling… I’m Sorry

“Some of our important choices have a timeline. If we delay a decision, the opportunity is gone forever. Sometimes our doubts keep us from making a choice that involves change. Thus an opportunity may be missed. – James E. Faust”

Today, I break my silence. Not because of anyone or anything but because I feel it is about time to speak or write something and because right now, in the midst of being under the weather, I feel a certain tranquility within me. If you have noticed, I’ve left my “home on the internet” abandoned for far too long that it’s ridiculous but am not putting the blame on anybody but myself because I did this to me. Whatever it is that I am experiencing right now, whatever struggle I am facing, I brought it all to myself. At the top of my head the words “you should have known better” has been hammered down, or engraved whichever leaves the most impact and it’s reminding me constantly if not always that I should have went with my gut-feel and just moved on – too late. Well, better late than never and right now as I write this, I have made up my mind and I am now ready to embrace change with arms wide open.

So, what’s with the post title? I feel it sums up what’s happening right now – I am here albeit struggling. Meaning I am around; that’s a general truth, existing but not productive like I want to be because inspiration has abandoned me (?) the moment I lost my focus and was filled with vile thoughts that I have yet to properly name. Struggling – my way of saying “trying to fit in” which is something I shouldn’t be doing really cause haven’t I learned anything back in my high school days – the more you try to fit in, the more it will stand out that you’re different and ultimately, you’ll just feel used. In conclusion, yes, I should have known better and again, it’s too late; nothing can be saved because things have crumbled down to its ruins.

Ultimately; I’m sorry – more to myself than anyone else because I went through an ordeal that could have been avoided had I thought of myself more, had I put my needs before others, had I been more considerate of me who’s living away from home, away from real friends and family. I’m sorry because I tried to persevere when I shouldn’t have; stuck around when I should have moved forward on my own. I’m sorry because I couldn’t differentiate sticking around because of friendship and sticking around because something is needed of you; I don’t know the difference then and I still don’t have any idea now and for that, I am sorry; I apologize; I ask for forgiveness.

I guess I covered everything; the quote is self-explanatory. Now that I put all of that down, time to hypnotize myself – it’s gonna be okay, it’s okay.

4 comments on “I’m Here, Struggling… I’m Sorry

  1. kfangurl says:

    Aw.. I don’t know what’s been goin’ on for you, but it sounds like you’ve had a rough time. Be kind to yourself, ok? We all make mistakes and have had poor judgment, so don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s great that you’re dusting yourself off and moving on, and that you’re back. Take your time 🙂 Big hugs.

    • ErlNotEarl says:

      Thanks kfangurl. I’m in the process of forgiving myself and hopefully, I’ll regain focus soon. I miss being around, I miss writing and I feel really bad that I am not doing much lately but I know I can make up, I will make up for the “hiatus” hopefully sooner..

  2. DDee says:

    Erl dear, echo KFG and say to you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to be as compassionate and forgiving to yourself as you are to others. Hugs!

I Listen, You Can Share Your Thoughts With Me