Capturing a Moment’s Display as the Moment Passes By

The part of the apartment I love the most in the balcony and I know I kind of showed off why, what with the photos of the golf course below, the dramatic evening lights and colors and now there’s this:

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I’ve taken that video a few days ago, Friday to be exact but what I was really thinking as I was watching this display just came together today, it finally clicked, several days delayed, thank you thought process for cooperating with me.

Mood Setter: Warning by Incubus

As I was watching this display I was completely and utterably amazed, fireworks has this certain ability to take my breath away, at least one or two heavy breaths and during those time I lose the ability to think of anything else but just that moment, that moment of seeing that fancy display in the sky, that brief moment that’s over before you had enough.

Life is somehow like that, moments pass you by unnoticed, gone too soon and you don’t have any idea how significant that particular moment is because you’re too busy thinking of other things, things that doesn’t really count nor matter. And most of the time, those things makes you unhappy, which of course you don’t really deserve because life is too short to be unhappy, yet your thoughts wallow in that direction, mostly because you let it.

The question is: what is happiness? This is a good answer:

Don’t you agree with this quote, I do. Happiness can be found in the simplest of things say finding that the elevator is at your floor on the exact moment that you need it cause you’re in a hurry. Finding that you still have some coffee when you’re sure that you have none; talking to a family member and hearing the words that you need to hear badly. There’s plenty of other things, simple things that could make one happy, sadly, most of what I mentioned are not noticed as much because in this fast phased time, these seems to be insignificant.

As I was watching this fireworks display, well, what I have captured that is, I started thinking was I even enjoying those simple moments or am I focusing on things that are far too complicated and insignificant that in the process, I’m making myself melancholy? I guess somehow, I am. Realizing that, I promised myself that I am gonna give my best to treasure each moment, no matter how simple it is before it pass me by, like the way I captured this fireworks display, I would forever keep it in my memory and look back every once in a while and smile.

Nostalgic “Lurve” Month

nostalgic

Mood Setters:

Crazy by KC and Jojo

[audio http://aznkyoshiro.free.fr/Music/Kci%20ft%20Jojo/13%20k-ci%20and%20jojo%20-%20crazy.mp3]

Crave by Marc Dorsey

[audio http://a.tumblr.com/tumblr_l2irlqmkee1qzjsv1o1.mp3]

Come Around by Rhett Miller

[audio http://music.goodmorningandgoodnight.com/songs/03%20Come%20Around.mp3]

I’m feeling particularly nostalgic today, it must be the month, yes it has something to do with the month. There’s two months in particular that I am not excited about, February and my birth month. My birth month because it means I’m aging and February because it means I’ll be witnessing all that sweetness, only witness it and not participate. I sound so bitter.
When was that again, that time when I was all excited about the “lurve” month? I think that’s over 12 years ago, 12 long years ago. After that every “lurve” month turned out to be just another month, another month like the 11 others, non significant. I guess I still feel the sting of my tragic first love that’s why every “lurve” month, it’s like a ghost that haunts me. I’m so sentimental.

It might sound that I didn’t get myself involved with someone else after that first time, I did, but somehow, the significance of that first time was never erased. I know it’s my fault because it became a measuring stick or something, which is not good but happening. I guess it is going to be hard to give myself fully, I’m such a coward when it comes to this kind of things. I am like this moth that flew near the attractive candle light then got its wing burned slightly then got away. Of course the moth won’t go near that light anymore, it learned its lesson, that’s me, I still hold that pieces of memory.
It’s funny because I’m holding on to this pieces of memory, no matter how bittersweet it is, no matter how hurt I get though it doesn’t mean that I’m not looking forward to what is to happen. I know one of these days, someday, that person would come, I’ll muster that courage to open up and give myself fully but for now I’ll welcome this nostalgic moment and drown in songs we use to listen to, songs that has been a part of that dream that eventually turned into a nightmare and hopefully, by the time I completely wake up and accept that it’s all part of life I won’t be so bitter and this nostalgic moments come February would bring me smile, more than tears.

 

[As I Quote Tuesday] Those Stangers

“Except myself, everyone is a stranger. In the end,
they become strangers. –Shin Joo-yeon, I Need
Romance 3

Did it ever happen to you, being extremely close to a certain person then one day, all of a sudden you’re not seeing eye to eye anymore nor talking, and all the while you don’t have any idea what happened? Did that ever happened to you? It did to me and it took me a long time to get over that situation. It was one of those saddest moments in my life although now I get and understand what happened, and it’s not so bad anymore.

There’s plenty of lines worth quoting in I Need Romance 3, it has both wits and touch of reality though of course, you won’t completely believe most of the things that’s being portrayed could happen, some of it, yes, never in entirety. When I first heard what I quoted, I am reminded of those times, those times that I was estranged from a close friend back then who shall remain nameless to protect both of us, err, well mostly her or them, all I’m gonna say is it happened a long time ago, but the feeling I can recall quite clearly and even the look on her face also, to my disbelief.

Why the disbelief? Well because we were soooo close, I cook for her; I fix stuff for her and more. I was at her beck and call then one day, we fell apart because of something baseless and petty. I know I’m not without a fault, I should have been less straight forward it’s just that she knows me for being one that I don’t understand why she couldn’t overlook my sharp, stupid mouth that time. And yes I spoke more out of anger, because of the hurtful things that has been going around. In the end, there’s nothing that we could both do to even try fix what has been broken, plenty of people got involved and things was blown out of proportion. We ended up as strangers, being civil is not an option either.

Thus, I got my own flashback when I heard this lines, life is full of strangers, but that doesn’t mean you should be closing down your doors to get to know or be close to anybody, that’s as bad as being a estranged. No man, is an island; and even if I experienced being estranged from someone, it doesn’t mean that I won’t be going about the world and know people or at the most be close to them. We are all strangers yes, but it doesn’t mean there’s not a single connection to all of us.

At most I see and believe that life is a highway, a long road that at first you travel on your own but as you go, you meet travelers, some may walk with you for some time, some completely pass you by and some that might stay and walk with you until the end of the line. All of them are strangers, yet, you have that connection, you’re traveling the road called life.

[As I Quote Tuesday] On Being Done With Love

“I am done with being loved, I’m done with loving.
It’s too painful. – Edward Tulane, Miraculous
Journey of Edward Tulane

It seems that watching Korean Dramas doesn’t just influence me to learn more about Korean culture, it makes me read books now too and I had no idea my curiosity could lead to a good find, surprisingly. So, the book that I read and what gave me the idea to read it? Hmmm.

I’ve been watching My Love From Another Star, it’s one of the three currently airing dramas that I am up to date with, the other two being The Prime Minister and I and I Need Romance 3. The lead character has this book that he always read and it’s about a rabbit made out of china. Now that book, has been ever present in that drama that I told myself: “I have to read that book, I’m dying to” and luckily, I got my hands on a copy one day and I’m glad I did. I got plenty of quotes from this book, heartfelt and heart tugging quotes.

I think at some point in my life I said the same thing that poor rabbit Edward Tulane has said: I’m done with being loved, I’m done with loving. It’s too painful and yes, love is definitely painful and that pain is the deciding factor to call it all off, to be done with it altogether. And pain aside, there’s also all the effort that you’ve put through that’s all for naught. Not to mention the time you spent with the person, and the list goes on. After mentioning everything, I realized I can’t really play for the other side, the side that believes that it’s all part of it. Why? Because I’m not that optimistic and I am still on that point that I don’t really want to welcome anything anymore because I don’t want my heart to break; yet I know, it shouldn’t be so. I shouldn’t be on that shelf all broody and grumpy like that rabbit made out of china. It shouldn’t be the case because as long as we breathe, there’s hope, as long as there is another day; things can turn out for the best. As I always believed, the best is always yet to come; I think I should start to apply it in the “love” field too.

I know it takes too much to overcome that emotion that urge for an emotion shutdown; it takes a whole lot of courage not to drown in anger and self pity. It takes a great effort to be optimistic enough to think that you’ll be able to love again and in this case too, the book has an answer: “open your heart, someone will come. Someone will come for you. But first, you have to open your heart.”

[As I Quote Tuesday] Who Am I Really?

“Know thyself. – Socrates ”

“How much do you know yourself, how sure are you that that’s all to it about you?” Those are some of the questions I’ve been asking myself lately because currently, I’m not so sure about everything. Sad, right but I’m saying this in all honesty, the road ahead is shrouded in darkness and I don’t have a clue if I should still go on or what.

Why the sudden thought? Well, it just crossed my mind that this is the last year that my age would be included in the calendar and so far, nothing major has happened in my life. What have I been doing in my life anyways, where did all the time go?

Thinking about it now, I guess most of my life is spent away from my family, trying my best to support my brothers’ studies, which I know is a responsibility, well at least I think of it as a responsibility, something I owe to them especially because I was able to finish my studies before the ax fell. Knowing that, I won’t and I can’t accept that they won’t be able to finish their studies because my parents can’t support them anymore, thus I stepped up. And I think in doing so, I somehow have forgotten about me and it took me so long to realize.

Could it really be too late, too late to do what I really want to do? Should I go ahead now or should I wait for a few months more before moving forward? I’m so torn right now it’s killing me. I don’t understand because it’s too early in the year for me to be feeling this slump, my birthday is still several months away and I have never been that emotional in regards with my age.

Thus, I’m repeating this quote, know thyself; this wallowing and whining person is not really me, it’s just the slump talking and I know I’ll get my real self back sooner, I’m claiming it.

[As I Quote Tuesday] On Love and Friendship

“Love is an extremely close friendship. – Enrique
Geum, Flower Boy Next Door”

Love has been defined in bazillions of ways, by bazillions of people, from the Bible to philosophers to variety of authors, egoistic, realists and narcissists but so far, what I quoted is one definition that I love among others. It’s touching, pure, and somehow complicated but actually not.

Love could be anything, in fact love is universal; it’s also a bond and the closeness that’s established through love is a gift, a priceless one. Such is a bond with true or extremely close friends. Distance can’t erase it, nor could time because the bond that’s sewn together is by far sturdier than both distance and time.

Why the sentiments? I don’t have any idea, well I might; alright I do. I have a few of that kind of friends, those that could guess or know what I’m up to and could put up with my never ending rants as well as my sarcasm. I can say that our friendship is somewhat extreme because I know myself and it’s pretty hard to put up with me like I always say. Maybe because I’m starved of affection or something, sometimes I don’t really understand too but I know; it’s hard to get through someone like me.

Currently, I am far away with those friends, so freakishly far. And we don’t get to talk often; well we have each our own lives to live plus I am sort of straying from some social media specifically Facebook and time differences, it’s a total disaster. But I know that they remember me as much as I remember them and that if ever we get time to talk, there’s no adjustment that needs to be done. When we get that chance to talk again, it’s just picking up where we left off and it’s always as fun as I can ever remember.

I guess that could be classified as loving, I am not positively sure. I’ve been looking at that angle for quite some time now and I am still not certain about it. The only love that I am certain about currently is familial, and most of my “I love you” nowadays is from my 1st brother (yes, we say “I love you” to each other before hanging up) which is also quite unexpected especially because we grew up hating each other (or I hated him because he was mother’s favorite which she insist that it isn’t so) and fighting like cats and dogs, I guess things change when you get older, well, most of it.

[As I Quote Tuesday] On Unrequited Love

“How timid and frail is unrequited love? A place you entered of your own accord, but you’re trapped inside, unable to find an exit. He doesn’t know a thing, and could one day leave my line of sight, and the love ends passively. A love that does not bloom flowers and thus cannot dream of bearing fruit, a love like a seed that is forgotten. That is unrequited love.” – Go Dok-mi, Flower Boy Next Door”

Unrequited love is a term that I’ve always heard being mentioned in K-Dramaland, in fact, I think most of the dramas that I’ve watched have characters mentioning about their unrequited loves but the most profound description that I’ve encountered so far is in Flower Boy Next Door. The way Go Dok-mi (portrayed by Park Shin-hye) described unrequited love is so on the spot, the simile sad yet true, oh so true. Knowing the truth about it though, I can’t help but ask, is there a way to avoid it especially because you’re completely aware that it is not gonna bear fruits anyway, so why not avoid it as it comes, or as you feel it?

I did have an answer, “you wish!” Yes, I’m talking to myself and that’s what the other side of me answered. Feelings as I’ve experienced and studied is not something that you can turn on and off like a switch or a faucet that you can open when you want to use and close when you’re done using it. Loving is involuntary, it’s not something you can control even if it just started from mere admiration.

I’ve had my own share of unrequited love; it happened a long, long time ago, but I can still remember him and my embarrassment when he found out about how I felt. Well, there was no outright rejection or something but let’s just say everything was blown out of proportion and he became a proud dude nearing to the jerk type. Thinking about it now, it’s kinda hilarious and the embarrassment part seems subtler than when it really happened. Ah, the memories, I wonder if he still remembers though, I think he’s my friend in facebook, LOL!

If I learned anything from that time it’s to take courage and never be in that situation again, an outright no is way easier to accept and live with than a futile gazing from afar that goes nowhere and might end into something embarrassing and painful.

What to Value

“Was I not enough? Even though it was just the two of us, I was okay with just you. Better than having ten or a hundred other friends, I was perfectly happy with just you. – Go Dok-mi, Flower Boy Next Door”

I’ve placed value on quality over quantity pretty early in my life. I never really cared that much if I had more as long as I have what I deserve, well except for coffee, that’s a different story, I can never have enough of coffee and that’s completely irrelevant.

I was touched (I mean completely and unutterably) by this line from Flower Boy Next Door, and the way that it was delivered, I cried with Go Dok-mi (played by Park Shin-hye,) she broke my heart. That’s precisely how I look at friendship now, after a few grave mistakes that I learned a lot from, I realized more than what I already know, that quality is indeed more valuable than quantity.

There was a time that I was trying so hard to have friends, like tried really hard and looking back now, I laugh at myself. Why the effort? Why the extra mile? Thinking about it now, I see how laughable I was for trying so hard to fit in a surrounding that was not ready for a different person like me. Thankfully I woke up before I ruined myself and I accepted the fact that I will always be different and it is absolutely fine.

After that time of struggling to belong, as I grew older and mingled with people, I met those very few people that stayed and became part of my life as my friends, a rare few. Rare because I’ve established that I’m different, the things I like, what I do, what I’m into, let’s say I kind of violate the norm. And I will be forever grateful to those rare few for staying, for understanding and putting up with a nutcase like me. They are enough, in actuality they are more than enough and I am perfectly happy with just those rare few.

Now if you’re willing to put up with the same thing that they are putting up with, you’re welcome and I’ll gladly call you a friend and believe me, I may be a nutcase, but I know how to value people, the same way those rare few values me.

Living for Today

 “Whatever happens tomorrow, we had today. – Emma, One Day

This is one of the lines from the movie that I’ll never forget. And I can definitely relate to how Emma feels that time. I would have done the same, that could be the last day that you’re going to see the guy so take what the day gives, all of it, let’s not leave any room for misery and regret.

More than what I have mentioned it’s a reminder for me to stop dreading so much, focus on the now, on today. Why? Normally I really don’t get things done because I get swallowed whole by anxiety, it’s an inner battle that I don’t have any idea how to overcome and end. I lack the self confidence to finish anything and I doubt myself to the roof that I can do it, in short, I waste a day, my today with series of never ending questions that just brings me down more than cheering me up that leads me not to finish anything; which makes a day highly insignificant, regretful and wasted. If only I could just go with it, live for the moment then I could proudly say that I had today and it was awesome, I could care less about tomorrow. Sadly, I couldn’t muster that yet. Where can one buy some Essence of Confidence? How about a vial of Drought of Self-Doubt? I wish it’s available at a pharmacy nearby, well I’ll never know.

For now I’ve included this line to my mantras, hoping it’s going to help me in times when I’m wasting time over-thinking; a reminder of how precious today and to make sure not to waste it.

A Home or a House

When I went to your house, it always smelled of food and was warm. You knew it was a home. Then I had to come to this room, I hated it and it was colder and lonelier. That’s probably when it all began, when I stopped coming over to your house. -Kwon Ji Hyuk, Shut Up Flower Boy Band”

Living in a house on my own has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. The reason behind it is because I haven’t really experienced what it’s like to live completely alone, I’ve always shared space with someone so the concept is completely appealing and attractive to me. That is until I watched Shut Up Flower Boy Band. Kwon Ji Hyuk’s (played by Sung Joon) comparison of a home shared by a family and a house lived on your own left a deep impression on me. How a family home is warm and a house on your own is cold and lonely. It made me wonder: Do I still want to live in a house on my own?

Well, the way that I’m living now is sort of like the cold and lonely house that Ji Hyuk has even if I’m surrounded with people. It’s the same because even if I eat, interact and share a space with them, that feeling that you are a family is lacking, it’s not a home, there’s no belongingness at all. We each care more about ourselves (or so I feel,) we each have different problems and situation to settle and take care of. As I said, there’s no belongingness, no attachment whatsoever. Thinking about it just made me wonder some more, would it be better if I live in a house on my own?

I don’t usually care about these things, I’m completely passive most of the time that’s why I’m a bit weirded out with my way of thinking at the moment. Maybe it has to do with the time of the year; yes, I think it has something to do with that. Christmas is around the corner again and I’ll be sharing it with people who are not my family which is sad; which only rubs the fact that I really am not home but alone some place else in a house with different people.