[A Piece of Me] What’s At the Top?

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A week ago, I crossed out one of the items on my bucket list and that is to visit Burj Khalifa before I leave the UAE for good. And honestly it would have been delayed if not for a friend whom I got to meet for the first time since we started chatting a few years back. Yeah, it definitely would have been waay delayed because even if I’ve been here for almost 10 years, I’m still not used to summer in the UAE.

Enough whining about summer and back to the subject at hand – Burj Khalifa, the tallest existing structure ever built as per Wikipedia and the item crossed out of my bucket list. It took about a week to sort through how I feel about the trip because, yeah, I’m slow like that. Plus I’m distracted and mostly, because I’m overthinking. Talk about twisted.

We arrived at least 45 minutes early, thanks to the ever dependable Uber driver, his name now forgotten not that I got it in the first place. Quite early, I know it’s an oversight in my part mainly because in all honesty, I’m not familiar with Dubai. I never really go out of the house or leave Ras Al Khaimah unless it’s important or necessary. And this is one of those cases, it’s important, even if I think I wasn’t able to highlight the importance of it all, I kicked myself internally as I type that.

So we had some time to kill even after the whole “lost and ask for direction.” I decided to try to really wake up by having more caffeine in me – double shot espresso macchiato this time cause the 3in1 was of no help and by the time the tour started, I felt awake. And because Jean – a Dubai based friend of mine already set my expectations about the tour, I opened my mind and just enjoyed the company of the person I was with. So all in all, it was wonderful. I have proof:

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Quite the view, right? Really impressive, at least for the first 20 minutes it is, afterwards, the view is just numbing, the heat more pronounced and if not for my friend, I don’t think I’d enjoy the tour as much. I know, I’m weird and quite different, I accept that. I’m a small town girl who appreciates a rice field more than I appreciate skyscrapers; I know I’ll never change. It’s nice to have a bird’s eye view but I think I’ll appreciate it much more if the view below is an ocean, a mountain or as I already mentioned, a rice field and maybe a lake. I had fun though but I don’t think I’ll be visiting again anytime soon.

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She came, we saw and we sort of conquered the top.

Mending

I’ve cut myself unknowingly,

Too trusting that I won’t bleed;

Too numb to feel, to know of –

The leech stuck in my being.

I was oblivious – I always was

Until the numbness faded,

Until my vision cleared,

Regrettably not in time to save me from the Styx.

Still, I resurfaced to see the damage;

To see myself deteriorating away,

To see everything all blurry,

Yet not a chance I’ll let out my fury.

Instead I picked my broken pieces,

Whatever it is that can be saved,

And walked away, head held high,

On that really hot summer day.

With every step all I wish is this –

Hopefully, in time, there would be peace.

Hopefully, that place to rest will show itself,

A place where I shall start mending and living once again.

An Unlikely But Fitting Lullaby

It’s been really hard to sleep post sickness (I’m still a bit under the weather and on meds so thankfully I’m always knocked out effortlessly) that I have been using my “lullaby playlist” more often than not for help. A few nights post sickness, as my lullaby plays – on shuffle of course – a song that I didn’t realize I included on the list played and I had to keep still for a few seconds to remember where I heard it before I decided to keep it on repeat and eventually fell asleep in the process. No, it’s not an instrumental and it’s possibly one of the saddest song I’ve ever heard in my life but since I am me, I find it appealing and for some reason helpful because I so want an excuse to cry, that’s how trying things are right now.

The first time I heard this song is on Dream High – the first one, with Wooyoung. Sorry, I just had to sneak that in there, I hope you understand. If I remember it correctly, IU played this in the hospital, I’ll probably re-watch the drama soon, when I can focus completely at home. Yeah, back to the song.. Here it is:

I know, it’s definitely a very unlikely lullaby cause it’s just oh so full of longing for someone but I am longing myself, longing for some peace and comfort and things that I used to have post “series of unfortunate events” that it matches so well. And yes it makes me cry but I need to, I need it. Otherwise how will I let my frustration out? What means, what ways?

In more ways than one I am waiting but unlike the song, I’ll be moving forward to find what I have lost and possibly to free myself of things that’s tying me down. And I’m hoping, on a clear day, what I have lost comes back to me just like when it left.

I’m Here, Struggling… I’m Sorry

“Some of our important choices have a timeline. If we delay a decision, the opportunity is gone forever. Sometimes our doubts keep us from making a choice that involves change. Thus an opportunity may be missed. – James E. Faust”

Today, I break my silence. Not because of anyone or anything but because I feel it is about time to speak or write something and because right now, in the midst of being under the weather, I feel a certain tranquility within me. If you have noticed, I’ve left my “home on the internet” abandoned for far too long that it’s ridiculous but am not putting the blame on anybody but myself because I did this to me. Whatever it is that I am experiencing right now, whatever struggle I am facing, I brought it all to myself. At the top of my head the words “you should have known better” has been hammered down, or engraved whichever leaves the most impact and it’s reminding me constantly if not always that I should have went with my gut-feel and just moved on – too late. Well, better late than never and right now as I write this, I have made up my mind and I am now ready to embrace change with arms wide open.

So, what’s with the post title? I feel it sums up what’s happening right now – I am here albeit struggling. Meaning I am around; that’s a general truth, existing but not productive like I want to be because inspiration has abandoned me (?) the moment I lost my focus and was filled with vile thoughts that I have yet to properly name. Struggling – my way of saying “trying to fit in” which is something I shouldn’t be doing really cause haven’t I learned anything back in my high school days – the more you try to fit in, the more it will stand out that you’re different and ultimately, you’ll just feel used. In conclusion, yes, I should have known better and again, it’s too late; nothing can be saved because things have crumbled down to its ruins.

Ultimately; I’m sorry – more to myself than anyone else because I went through an ordeal that could have been avoided had I thought of myself more, had I put my needs before others, had I been more considerate of me who’s living away from home, away from real friends and family. I’m sorry because I tried to persevere when I shouldn’t have; stuck around when I should have moved forward on my own. I’m sorry because I couldn’t differentiate sticking around because of friendship and sticking around because something is needed of you; I don’t know the difference then and I still don’t have any idea now and for that, I am sorry; I apologize; I ask for forgiveness.

I guess I covered everything; the quote is self-explanatory. Now that I put all of that down, time to hypnotize myself – it’s gonna be okay, it’s okay.

I’m Still Here

 7 Quick Takes of My Whereabouts for the Past Month(s)

Hi! I’m back! Well, not that I formally mentioned that I am going to hide under a hole somewhere or that I will be on “hiatus” like what everyone calls it nowadays, but yes, I am back. takes a deep breath, inhale, exhale

Yeah.. Uhm.. If you’re wondering where on earth I have been then I’ll mention it and yes, I do assume that you are wondering and yes again to that being a strong assumption but please, do humor me, thank you. big smile Where was I? Ah, yes, assuming that you are indeed interested to know where I was or what I was up to here it is, in 7 quick takes:

One. I took a much needed vacation, by that I mean I went home to the Philippines because it is possible and because I NEED it! It’s longer than it’s supposed to be but considering I didn’t take a vacation the year before, then it’s quite short yet worth it.

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Two. Of course being on vacation, I met my old college friends. How amazing it is that despite of the distance we’re still us, the same person some 15 years back only now we are older. It really solidifies my belief in the saying: Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold. They are gold alright, white gold.

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Three. I went out of town with my family minus my youngest brother since he’s out at sea. There’s something utterly depressing about that word but yes, my youngest brother is currently out at sea, somewhere far away. Last I heard he’s in Russia, I am so green with envy.

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Four. I went to HongKong to watch a concert, complete details coming soon.

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Five. I spent some time with my brother, unfortunately we weren’t able to eat everything that I want to eat because curse his fatty liver. sigh We did have some fun though and I hope sooner, we can do it again.

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Six. I bonded with my girl cousin, a first after a very long time, after being traumatized that is, yeah I know, I am a not a moth. It was fun, though I have to admit the age gap was a great factor to my being comfortable. Kekeke.

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Seven. Lastly, I got sick. Yup, because it’s about right that before I go home and the moment I come back I need to get sick. I don’t know why and I doubt there’s any scientific explanation but it was necessary it seems, oh well.

Yup, that’s about it, nothing too interesting but the Hong Kong trip I know but I can’t change anything anymore. Maybe next year, next year shall and will be better. Since I borrowed the title, might as well add the song. That’s right, I Am Still Here.

From There to Here: Unboxing My Purchase from KPOPMART.com

Or my obnoxious way of saying I stopped denying and resisting the urge to splurge.

So, yeah, I guess the title says it all – this is an account of my unboxing whatever it is that I bought from KPOPMART.com and yes, it is an online purchase and international and my first time to try international online purchase ever. inhale, exhale Sorry, I think I just let my inner “Dexter” out, I got so carried away yeah, where was I? Ah, online purchase. But first how did I find KPOPMART? That’s easy, Google. I wanted to find another site that offers Kpop goods other than Yesasia and voila, my best friend Google suggested KPOPMART. And before I know it, there’s no turning back.

Maybe you’ll ask what’s the difference between Yesasia and KPOPMART and what made me proceed with the purchase, well the answer is the price is relatively cheaper isn’t that a deciding factor? For me it is, it always is. Kekeke. Anyways, let’s proceed with the “accounting” not the one that involves numbers, thank you; I’m done for the day with that one. So, I ordered the following on the 16th of December 2014:

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On the 29th of December I received a shipment notification:

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On the 5th of January 2015 I received this:

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Comments? Of course there would be some! Read on:

  1. KPOPMART’s site is very easy to navigate, very user friendly and organized! I love the last part very much because I’m a bit on the OC side so, yes, that’s why I’m giving them a gold star for the site layout.
  2. They accept various payment methods – PayPal, Western Union, or Bank Wire, convenient right?
  3. You can download your invoice and their format is very straightforward – all the details of your transaction are entered right to the last letter or number. Ain’t that cool?
  4. Awesome customer service. Yeah, KPOPMART’s customer service support is really something, they reply to emails promptly, very polite and patient, and they know how to set the expectations of the customer in a way that won’t aggravate them in anyway. Three gold stars for the customer support team.
  5. Notifications! Yup, they make sure you are updated with the status of your order. Isn’t that great? No need to wonder so much what’s happening because you’re well informed.
  6. Very secured packing and timely shipment. Considering that I ordered my items during holiday season, it came within almost 21 days or so; that’s something! Plus I got my package in a very, very good condition all thanks to their very secured packing.

Conclusion:

I will definitely buy from KPOPMART again and soon, like really, really soon!

Rating:

Five GOLD stars

A Rundown of What I was Up To

I haven’t been penning anything lately and it’s saddening rather it saddens me but inspiration has been avoiding me like the plague; or so I think. Though the whole time I’ve been out of touch, I’ve been quite successful with doing or choosing the right thing that is as I believe, I’ve realized that indeed, I wasn’t so bad at all. So, what was I up to?  Read on:

  • Getting in touch with my inner teacher. Yup, you read that right. I’ve been spending more time helping my mom with her college assignments that sometimes it makes me feel like I’m studying all over again or that I’m playing the teacher like when I was younger. It’s fun, though sometimes it could be painstaking specially if mom forgets the time difference and calls at 4:00am my time. Either way, it’s exciting and I realized that whatever gap we had from when I was younger is mostly water under the bridge now; it makes me feel good.
  • I started to be conscious about myself. By that I mean I started to make time to “workout” or “run/walk” or “do yoga” at least an hour a day at the very least. Well I owe most of it to my great friend Nelly who is an inspiration and a very awesome enabler. Yup, that’s her. I am planning to make a big leap soon, which is to challenge myself for something big, something I wouldn’t even ever imagine a few years back. I hope to get my act together for that to materialize.
  • Been out with friends. For a few hours that is because the danger of them disowning me is lurking about, it’s scary, really scary I sometimes dare not think but then again, it’s difficult to drag myself away from my screens, all three of them – laptop, phone and player. Balancing life is really difficult, I now realized it.
  • Try it, it’s good for you. I’ve been trying to learn how to swim, no results yet but I hope I get there, I wanna get there. I wanna learn how to swim.
  • Thank you for the music. Or more like thank you Kpop for helping me survive my daily life of boring business and endless phone calls and letter drafting for people that I might not even get to meet because I don’t want to otherwise known as I’ve completely embraced Kpop. Here’s my favorite playlist ever:

  • Bon appetite. Of course there’s some cooking going on still, mostly of dishes that I am not familiar with and deconstructing some of those dishes that I know of. It’s fun and calming. I only regret not being able to take more photos. I only have these two:

from scratch not ready made mix  my version of cold noodles

 

(Pancake is from scratch, not the ready made kind while the noodles is my version of cold noodles.)

 

  • Go ahead and watch. And of course, even if I don’t write about it, it is safe to assume that I have been watching dramas endlessly. During my stupor I’ve finished 4 series, that’s a record. Hopefully I’ll put my reviews up pretty soon *prays that inspiration doesn’t run away*

So.. Yeah. I therefore conclude that I have been hiding under a rock for the past month and I am now in the process of crawling out. I missed you all, chingudeul.

The Gnawing Reality vs. Hoped For

Or my way of rephrasing “thou shall not bite off more than you can chew.”

Mood Setter: Try by Nelly Furtado

Pretty cryptic title right, I know, believe me, I know; but it’s me and being me comes being cryptic, morbid, somehow bonkers or in short 30 mixes of crazy in one package – that’s me. Today came the realization that I am having a dream or I had a dream, at any rate the gist is there – I was dreaming. I am gonna go around in circles some more just because I can and as my brother always points out, I’m overly verbose most of the time if not always; what’s wrong with wordplay anyways, or playing with your words? I don’t see anything wrong with that but I can see something going wrong with me.

So back to the dream that I was having; a month or so ago, I sort of “dreamed” or wanted to be able to write something on a daily basis, yes “a daily basis” and that time, I really believed that I can. I was completely optimistic that I can manage, I could and I would but unfortunately, I didn’t and I can’t. There’s plenty of things that I could say to justify my failure but I won’t, I refuse to dwell on beyond 21 excuses that’s not gonna make changes and differences; I want to put it all behind me as quickly as possible and start anew or be realistic.

I’m dropping my initial “project” and am sticking to a somehow healthy and I believe achievable one. I would like to focus on what I really want to write at the moment rather than put down words that I can’t and don’t believe to be at par to what I would want to read over and over just so I could keep up with the “project.” Spontaneity, I’m thinking is a better way so maybe I’ll give in to the call of randomness and write more in the moment after all, it’s those moments that really count.

I decided that I wouldn’t be compromising quality to quantity and succumb to realism; versus what I hoped for. I do not want to bite off more than I can chew and end up choking on it anymore because that’s embarrassing and completely humiliating, well at least the literal biting off more that you can chew is; I know, I did it once a long time ago while having some beer argh, I still shudder whenever I recall that, the sinker is I was in front of a guy I’m completely trying to appear cute with. Oh the horror.

Right, so the decision; I’ve decided to post at least 2  K drama related post a week, yes at least two and if there’s anything random that’s worth posting, I’ll be posting any day. I’m still deciding which day of the week would be workable, I have to confirm if there would be changes at work but I know 2 K drama post is workable without completely pushing things, crossed fingers. Now I’ll breath and let that thought jump all over my head until it sinks in. “There you go buddy, you can give being guilty a rest” and yes that’s me giving myself a pep talk and somehow giving myself a much needed pat on the back.

Lights and After Dark Activity of a Nocturnal Person

Mood Setter: Drive by Incubus [audio http://marvin.ibeu.org.br/ibeudigital/images/1/13/Incubus_dudu.mp3]

If there is something that I find extremely funny, it is the fact that whenever I am at work, I feel so extremely sleepy but once I reach home, my eyes are so alert and wide open; ready for action. That’s always the case, every single day. Even if I manage to sleep early, I would still be so dang sleepy at work the next day. And yes, that’s one of the reason why I had to take work home during the crunch time, I’m glad those days are behind me.

One evening that I was feeling extremely awake and somehow high on coffee, one of my roommate asked if we could go visit the ghost town, that’s right, ghost town at 8 in the evening; it’s going to be fun! He needs it for his photography class so I said what the heck and just went with it. He wanted to take photos of a well-lighted building first and since there’s this hotel nearby, we decided to take that first, from different angles that is. By that I mean from all over the mini island, aren’t we just out of our heads? Yes, yes we are. I took some photos with my phone and tweaked it a bit:

 

As I lay in a bench nearby I noticed the moon and can’t help but take these:

 

Isn’t it lovely? It’s nice to go out every once in a while, take a deep breath, smell the sea maybe fall asleep for a bit under the moonlight. No? Okay. Sadly though, we weren’t able to go to the ghost town because my roommate finished taking the lights photos at almost 11 pm and honestly, that is very late and I’m not confident that I won’t be scared during that time anymore. I mean 8pm is okay but near midnight, no thank you. They were not up to it too anyways so we just went home and I go about doing my thing and drinking one of my favorite beverages on Earth:

 

I slept at about 3 am, woke up by 7:30 am, and writing this on my desk while trying to fight with my dropping eyes. I know I’ll be extremely awake once I reach home, this is a vicious cycle, my vicious cycle; a routine after dark activity of a nocturnal person.